When I was in elementry school, I would see older kids kiss. Some of my friends couldn't wait to get older so they could go out partying all night. Some couldn't wait untill they could drive. Some couldn't wait to leave the house. I could wait for all of this. What I couldn't wait for was to kiss someone.

I would see these older kids kiss, some times it was just a peck, some times it was 'making out', but either way, I would always watch and think "That must be wonderful. Hopefuly one day, I can do that." Even as a child, I didn't think I was good enough, or deserving enough to have what these older kids had.

Like my friends, driving, staying out all night, and moving away from home are rites of passage that our calture deems nessisary for young adults, and nessisary to grow up. Get life experience. But most kids at least have their first kiss before they go on driving, or staying up late partying, or well before moving away.

The only thing I ever really wanted was to experience was this. The feel of a girls touching lips on mine. Maybe it was because we never get what we truely want, maybe it was because I was too shy....either way, where I saw the age gap between those who were kissing and my age slowly decress in size, to the point were I was in highschool, I was begining to feel as though I had missed something. Most people had already experienced their first kiss, and were experimenting on what they liked and didn't like, and tryed to improve their kissing skills.

It wasn't until grade 11 that it really hit me. It had hit me before in grade 10 when a friend of mine kind of stole a girl that I was going to ask out, since he asdher out before I could. They invited me to their Halloween party, although it was only the three of us. The two of them spent most of the evening making out on the couch and I was left to watch 'The Matrix Reloaded' and '100 Girls'. I thought maybe the only thing I really wanted was unattanible to me. Maybe there was something about me that prevented it. Maybe I was unkissable.

This didn't really hit me, as I said, untill grade 11. It was then when I saw kids younger than myself kiss publicly and make out. I was at a Christmas Party with the choir, and couple who were a year younger then I spent most of the evening kissing. It was then, that I descovered I had missed the starting gun, I had missed my rite of passage into the teenage life.

I always said I skipped my teenage years, and when I turned 13, I really turned 30, but it wasn't untill then that I really felt the reprcussions of that. I had always thought it was good that I missed out on that part of my life; I was not irrisponcible, never took risks, or act foolish (well...I didn't get into trouble). But there is always good things to be gained through any experience, and it seemed through this peiriod, I missed out on the only thing that I really wanted.

So now here I am, 22 years old, and all I want in the world is to be able to hold hands with someone. You come to realize what's obtainable in the world, and what is fantisy. You can wish and hope all you want. You can visualize and fantsize all you want. But at the end of the day, you've got to realize that perhaps what you always wanted, and what you'll get, are very rarly the same thing.